It's okay to not be okay.

Let me start off by saying, this isn’t going to be some life changing post but it’s from the heart and I thought I would share it. Every article or blog post I read like this comes from either a 19 year old college student or a forty year old mother. They both say the same thing “you’re young, live your life, be free!” And I know that I’m not far off from either of these ages, but when you’re 25, something changes (or at least it feels like it does). I don’t really know what it is or how to explain it but you feel like a full blown adult even though you’re not ready to adult like a full blown adult. You look around you and see so many people who know what they’re doing with their lives and you get overwhelmed because you’re 25 and you’re “supposed to know your purpose by now.” Well I don’t. I have no idea. I mean, I know what I like and what I don’t like. I know what’s a good decision and bad decision (even though sometimes I choose the bad decision knowing it’s the bad decision). But sometimes, what you thought was going to happen, doesn’t. What you thought was your purpose, isn’t. What you had planned, gets cancelled and you just don’t know what to do.

I’ll be honest, I’m stuck in this exact season right now. I don’t know what’s next for me. I don’t know why what I thought was going to happen isn’t. Every time I try to get some clarity, I just get more confused.  In these posts, people usually write about how exciting of a time this. Ha! I call bull on that. This isn’t exciting for me, it’s terrifying. Everything you’ve known is changing. (Wait, I thought I liked change?) People that you thought would be there forever, won’t be. Situations that you played out in your head a hundred times, aren’t happening and it’s frustrating. How do people call this exciting? I know I’m starting to sound like a Debby downer or negative Nancy but that’s not my intention. I guess what I’m saying is, it’s okay to feel things. Recently, I’ve became single after a pretty serious relationship. This was my first pretty serious relationship so it coming to an end, rocked me a little harder than I thought it would. (Probably because I never planned on it ending.) Engagement plans turned to break up plans faster than I knew how to process it. Things went from 100 to 0 in a matter of moments and that changed everything for me. All the woman who are all about woman empowerment have all checked out by now I’m sure but that’s okay because that’s not what I’m talking about here. Through the heartbreak, (and yes, it’s still breaks because I’m a human being) I’ve tried to put the pieces together a hundred different ways and it’s like all the pieces I have are for different puzzles. I’ve tried it all and the situation never changed.

Obviously I’ve been listening to a lot of Adele (and T. Swift) lately. I mean, are you surprised? I can pretty much make any of their songs relate to my life at any given point. I’d probably consider it one of my best talents. Anyways, I’ve said all of this to say that it’s okay to have feelings, to feel emotions and to reflect on everything you feel. This is especially huge for me because I didn’t know how to feel those feelings and how to let them affect me for the longest time. But through it all, I can’t deny that I’ve learned quite a bit. Maybe this isn’t about a break up for you but it can still apply.  Though I don’t know exactly why things played out why they did, I know that what I felt was real. I know that how that person felt about me was real. I know that me, the girl who usually shuts out emotion and wears a smile no matter what, hasn’t been that girl. She’s been different. She’s realized that it’s okay to love. It’s okay to put yourself out there. It’s okay if you feel like no one understands how you feel (even though they do.) It’s okay to fight for what you thought should be. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be hurt. It’s okay to let yourself feel heartbreak. It’s okay to not be okay. Because one day you will and you’ll be better because of it (at least that’s what they say). One day at a time my dear friend