I've loved and I'll love again.
I've been feeling above average lately. It's taken two whole months to get to this point, but I'm happy to say that I'm finally content with the break up and my life. I know good things are ahead, I just feel it! I mean school is almost out for the summer, I have a family vacation planned in June and I'm going on a mission trip to Haiti in July. I definitely cannot complain! I definitely have weak moments but overall I'm good and I don't have to lie anymore when people ask how I am. I'm writing about this process for me mostly, (if you have no idea what I'm talking about catch up here first) but I'm sharing it with everyone else because I know there are people that may be feeling the same emotions I'm feeling and I want you to know that you're not alone.
For me, I'm at the point in the process where instead of thinking the worst of my last relationship, I'm honestly just glad it happened. I say that because in reality, I was in a good relationship. Sure, it didn't end up like I wanted it to but I'm not going to discredit the fact that (besides during the actual break up) we were wonderful together, we were good to each other and we really cared about each other. Anyone who spent time around us knew that, but for me, it took some time for me to get there because I was jaded. I had to look at it from the eyes of someone who had just gotten their heart broken, so for a while I couldn't wrap my head around how something so good could go so bad so fast. We both loved each other hard (something neither of us had done before) but sometimes the timing or placement of things in life just aren't right and you can't change that. At least that's what I'm learning. Don't get me wrong we had our struggles that's for sure but the good outweighs the bad by a long shot but that doesn't mean the moment was right for what we had.
Throughout this process, I've gone through many stages.. First was shock and disbelief because I was taken by surprise by the whole thing. I didn't expect it at all. Was it really over just like that? After I faced that it was reality, it was a time of hurt. Hurt because I didn't get the answers I wanted, hurt because my once best friend just abandoned me, hurt because I felt lonely, hurt because I felt like I wasn't good enough. Then I was in a constant state of confusion. Why? I kept asking myself "Why?" There was no way after the love we shared it could be over. After I pulled on my big girl panties (sort of) it was a second of anger. It took all of me to get mad. I couldn't bring myself to get mad at him (pitiful, I know) but I was more than angry at the situation and why I felt like I just kept getting the short end of the stick. Now, I'm content. Not content in the sense that I'm just fine with everything because starting over sucks, that's just that - haha. However, I am content in the way that I'm content that there is something better. There has to be something better because I wouldn't be going through this hurt if that there wasn't. God doesn't waste a hurt. We go through these seasons because God wants to prepare us for something greater. There was a time where I thought there couldn't be anything greater than what I had but now I'm excited because there IS something greater and I smile at the sweet thought of that.
For some time, I was letting myself believe that I only had one shot at love and I had lost it, but that's not true because I was reminded of grace. We've all been granted grace upon grace. (John 1:16) We wouldn't be here unless there was grace and thank you God for that! It's okay I got broken up with because of the grace to forgive. It's okay everything doesn't feel perfect because of grace. It's okay I'm single because of grace. Thank God for endless grace! I'm not completely over the hurt or pain but I'm realizing and holding onto the fact that grace is so much greater than all of it. I'm at the point where I see pictures or think about things that remind me of the time we had but I'm not bitter at it because of grace. It took me a while to decide but I do think it's better to have loved than to have never loved at all. Because of grace, we're able to love so that just shows me that I've loved and I'll love again.
For me, I'm at the point in the process where instead of thinking the worst of my last relationship, I'm honestly just glad it happened. I say that because in reality, I was in a good relationship. Sure, it didn't end up like I wanted it to but I'm not going to discredit the fact that (besides during the actual break up) we were wonderful together, we were good to each other and we really cared about each other. Anyone who spent time around us knew that, but for me, it took some time for me to get there because I was jaded. I had to look at it from the eyes of someone who had just gotten their heart broken, so for a while I couldn't wrap my head around how something so good could go so bad so fast. We both loved each other hard (something neither of us had done before) but sometimes the timing or placement of things in life just aren't right and you can't change that. At least that's what I'm learning. Don't get me wrong we had our struggles that's for sure but the good outweighs the bad by a long shot but that doesn't mean the moment was right for what we had.
Throughout this process, I've gone through many stages.. First was shock and disbelief because I was taken by surprise by the whole thing. I didn't expect it at all. Was it really over just like that? After I faced that it was reality, it was a time of hurt. Hurt because I didn't get the answers I wanted, hurt because my once best friend just abandoned me, hurt because I felt lonely, hurt because I felt like I wasn't good enough. Then I was in a constant state of confusion. Why? I kept asking myself "Why?" There was no way after the love we shared it could be over. After I pulled on my big girl panties (sort of) it was a second of anger. It took all of me to get mad. I couldn't bring myself to get mad at him (pitiful, I know) but I was more than angry at the situation and why I felt like I just kept getting the short end of the stick. Now, I'm content. Not content in the sense that I'm just fine with everything because starting over sucks, that's just that - haha. However, I am content in the way that I'm content that there is something better. There has to be something better because I wouldn't be going through this hurt if that there wasn't. God doesn't waste a hurt. We go through these seasons because God wants to prepare us for something greater. There was a time where I thought there couldn't be anything greater than what I had but now I'm excited because there IS something greater and I smile at the sweet thought of that.
For some time, I was letting myself believe that I only had one shot at love and I had lost it, but that's not true because I was reminded of grace. We've all been granted grace upon grace. (John 1:16) We wouldn't be here unless there was grace and thank you God for that! It's okay I got broken up with because of the grace to forgive. It's okay everything doesn't feel perfect because of grace. It's okay I'm single because of grace. Thank God for endless grace! I'm not completely over the hurt or pain but I'm realizing and holding onto the fact that grace is so much greater than all of it. I'm at the point where I see pictures or think about things that remind me of the time we had but I'm not bitter at it because of grace. It took me a while to decide but I do think it's better to have loved than to have never loved at all. Because of grace, we're able to love so that just shows me that I've loved and I'll love again.
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